Hello again, my old, old friend.
i thought our fight was over, but i guess i was wrong.
no matter what i do ill never win,
youre just too strong, you take over me.
but i wont stop trying, fighting for control.
cuz i cant let you hold me down like a helpless little girl.
cuz i remember those days of headaches, screams and tears
. the broken days of childhood whose wounds i thought had healed.
i thought science had silenced, medicine had overthrown.
but when forgetfulness creeps in, you take over all again.
pointless tears fall, careless words fly. those days i am without my disguise.
without it id be friendless, helpless, and all alone.
my life is fading as it is, even when im disguised.
i say i had no control, they laugh and say its no excuse.
they punish me for what you do.
its so unfair but no one understands that youre so much stronger than me.
after being beaten to the ground day after day for so long, im tired of fighting.
its been a 7 year war in the dark and cold.
youre so much more powerful, you drive my clouded will.
youre unstoppable, i say, but they dont believe me.
youve ruined so many things for me.
you made me lose the love i loved with everything i had, ive lost friends, years, memories, opportunities.
without you, id be so different, so much better off.
they said ill outgrow you, but its been 7 years and counting, and im still daily fighting for my freedom,
but even though ive struggled for so long,
im still a slave to you, the cloud in my mind.
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Your lips are moving, sound escapes, i say ok and walk away. you come and ask me why i didnt do the laundry.
"you never asked me to" i say, and you say, "yes, i did... and you said ok."
i didnt hear you.
i dont remember agreeing.
you expect me to listen when im distracted by everything.
tick tock says the clock.
the dishwasher... swish.
the ice maker clinks.
i notice the slow dripping of the sink.
"what did you say? were you taking to me? oh... i wasnt listening."
"go do your homework." they say to me.
i work for 5 minutes, my mind wanders. i remember reality and an hour has passed.
"what do you think youre doing??" they scold and scream.
i really dont know... you tell me!
they dont understand the constant war that rages in my mind. all day, all night, even in my dreams, i fight the "disorder" thats beating me.
it strong, in my mind, controlling, abusive.
i cant quiet, defeat, or diffuse it.
it rages on, red as fire. burning me alive and killing me inside.
will i ever win? will medicine ever defeat?
they think its just a small part of me, they dont see thats its completely crippling.
i can only hope, i mean, ADHD is just so hard to beat.
so until the day of liberation,
ill fight for control of my mind in desperation, as it slips farther into the grasp of what they call ADHD, the wretched disorder that often defines me.
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